Hopeful Bargaining: The Hidden Costs of Living in Resistance
Change rarely feels simple. If fear is the first barrier and ignoring pain is the second, then hopeful bargaining is the next, and quiet space, where we cling to the hope that maybe, just maybe, avoidance will erase what hurts.
Hopeful bargaining often sounds like:
“If I just push through a little longer, this will go away.”
“If I don’t look at it, maybe it won’t matter anymore.”
“Things will be different once this season ends.”
On the surface, these thoughts can seem harmless. In some contexts, they may even feel optimistic. But at their core, they’re built on resistance. Instead of facing pain, we try to make deals with life, with the universe, or with ourselves, hoping that avoidance will buy us relief.
The problem is that bargaining doesn’t resolve anything. Pain doesn’t disappear because we ignore it or wish it away. In fact, when we bargain, the root of our pain often grows deeper. Over time, this root spreads into our relationships, our work, our passions, and our health.
Think about it: years can pass in the blink of an eye when we’re subconsciously bargaining. While others move forward, we may feel like we’ve been standing still, treading water, living in the same cycle. That sense of stagnation is exhausting because deep down, we know something is wrong… we’re just waiting for it to go away on its own.
Living in Distortion
Hopeful bargaining creates a distorted view of reality. Instead of responding to life as it is, we react to an illusion of what we hope life will become. We take steps, make decisions, and form habits based on a fantasy rather than reality. And when we live in illusion, we live in a lie.
And there, no truth can surface, except for the one truth that keeps breaking through: our pain still exists.
Recognizing the Pattern
The first step out of bargaining is simply naming it. Ask yourself:
Am I waiting for something to change without taking steps to change it?
Am I hoping my pain will just disappear on its own?
Do I keep telling myself, “It’ll be different later,” without doing anything differently now?
Naming the pattern doesn’t solve it instantly, but it cracks the illusion. It helps you see where resistance is holding you back.
Moving Forward
The opposite of bargaining is acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean loving your pain or pretending it’s easy. It means acknowledging that your pain is real, present, and worth addressing now. It means choosing presence over illusion.
When we stop bargaining, we free ourselves to make decisions rooted in truth. We stop treading water and begin to swim again… not away from our pain, but through it, toward something honest.
Practical Takeaway: This week, notice one place in your life where you’ve been waiting for things to “just get better.” Write it down or speak it out loud. Then ask yourself: What one small action could I take to meet this reality directly instead of bargaining with it?
If This Resonated
If this spoke to you on any level, you can dive deeper with me, below:
Your pain is valid, and you’re worthy of its resolution.
Sending you all the healing energy I can,
~ Austen 🫶🏼
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